Fic: Mind Meld
Feb. 4th, 2015 09:13 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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romancingmcshepTitle: Mind Meld
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, Rodney McKay/Jennifer Keller established
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content notes: (skip) None of the standard warnings apply
Spoilers: through the series finale
Word count: 4800
Summary: An Ancient device causes the team to share all memories. What starts as John's biggest nightmare turns into his dreams coming true.
Note: Also available at AO3.
Mind Meld
It was nice to go out on a mission as a team again even if it wasn't quite the same in the Milky Way.
The mission had been scheduled after SG-23 came back with reports of an abandoned lab in the middle of a forest. The lab had Ancient architecture and some Ancient writing, so it was decided that John would take his team to the planet, since nobody was more familiar with Ancient labs.
Rodney bitched about not being allowed to take a puddlejumper, but it was only half-hearted and John was smiling as they made their way to the lab.
John's feelings changed when they arrived. The lab was dark, and the Ancient tech was turned off and didn't immediately project its purpose to John as some Ancient devices did, but John got a bad feeling. He was tense when Rodney started fiddling with his scanner.
Pointing the flashlight in all directions, it seemed very clear that the only purpose of the lab was to house the device at the center about which they still knew nothing. The Ancient writing didn't clarify anything. It only contained notes about the energy source.
"Geothermal," Rodney commented. "The planet has some unique properties that make it ideal to use it as an energy resource."
"How much energy?" John asked.
"Not enough to harvest," Rodney said. "But enough to install an energy intensive device here."
"What does it do?" Ronon asked.
"I don't know," Rodney said. "Once it's back online I can check for a manual or interface, or maybe we can sense what it does then. I'll have to reroute the energy to the device first. The existing connection has eroded over the years."
"How long will that take?" John asked.
"A few minutes," Rodney said. "Longer if I'm interrupted by inane questions," he added pointedly.
"Like this one?" John asked.
"Exactly," Rodney muttered, crouching down next to the lab.
John walked around the lab. The walls and columns reminded him of Atlantis, but it didn't feel right.
"It feels out of place to have a lab in the middle of a forest," Teyla said, looking around as well.
"As I said," Rodney said, not stopping his work on the device, "they probably wanted to harness the energy. It can't be anything that would have been vital for the Ancients, but it was worth doing if they could keep the cost of running it manageable."
"So a toy?" John asked.
"Who knows," Rodney muttered. John watched him fiddle with the device until Rodney finally said, "Here we go."
Lights suddenly turned on, making the whole room bright as day. The device activated itself. There were lights blinking on the consoles, but more than that John immediately felt it.
He suddenly had memories of a childhood on Athos, Sateda, and in Canada. He remembered loss of parents, the strain of leadership at a young age, and the conflicts of leaving your people behind for a greater good. He remembered thinking about nothing but survival, losing everything, being a stranger in your new home. He remembered being hated and envied for being smarter than everyone else, being ridiculed, the triumph of finding the solution that nobody else could think of. He remembered the moment a friend was no longer just a friend, a first date in a field hospital, doubts about marrying a partner. He felt the content and challenge of maintaining a successful relationship, the growing of a new attachment, and between doubts about proposing to Jennifer and very clear affection for himself, John felt something undefined.
It was hard to process the flood of memories, but he wondered if that blurry something that Rodney felt for him might be—
John's brain finally managed to put what was happening into a context, that the device must have made all of them share their memories and feelings, and even as he contemplated Rodney's feelings for him, he suddenly realized that all of them knew exactly how he felt.
John mentally screamed at the device to turn off, off, off, and sparks flew before the complete lab turned dark in an instant.
He was alone again in his mind. Rodney had fallen to the ground during the rather violent deactivation of the device. John managed to concentrate enough to make the lights come back on without activating the device.
Teyla was crouching down next to Rodney.
"Is he fine?" John asked.
"Yes," Rodney hissed.
John was relieved for all of a second before his mind went back to the device and what it did. His hand twitched on the P-90, and for a moment he imagined the satisfaction of unloading a whole clip into the device. But it wouldn't change that all of them had seen everything he was and how he'd come to be that way.
John felt sick. Teyla helped Rodney get up, and before even contemplating how he could ever face Rodney again, John turned and left the lab.
~~
It was warm and sunny outside. The leaves of the trees moved softly in a light breeze. It was peaceful, but his surroundings did nothing to ease the turmoil in John's mind.
He felt naked, no worse. He felt ripped at the seams, split open, for everyone to see his innards in all their messy details.
Every doubt, every weakness had been on display for them. John liked to believe that Teyla and Ronon would understand the difficulties leadership brought with it. He'd seen it in their own memories. But then there were his other feelings.
Rodney had seen every hope and fantasy that John had ever had about him. John had always been apprehensive that Rodney might find out some day, but it had mostly been the fear that Rodney would guess his feelings if John wasn't careful enough. He would have always had plausible deniability. Even if Rodney would have been convinced of John's feelings, he wouldn't have literally felt every nuance, the way John fought against these feelings and always lost, the desperate longing for what he couldn't have.
John didn't know how they'd continue to work together. How would Rodney be able to look at him and not think of the dirty fantasies John couldn't always deny himself? How would Rodney react at all? John had seen the doubts he had about marrying Keller, and he couldn't deny a certain amount of satisfaction about that. But he'd also seen that Rodney didn't harbor any sexual feelings for him. There'd been affection, yes, and there'd been that blurry something that John didn't know how to interpret. But it was certainly not even remotely what Rodney (and the others) had seen in his own mind. Rodney wasn't in love with him or even attracted to him.
There'd been sex with men, John recalled. Rodney had experimented at university and had an arrangement in Antarctica, but none of that had been serious. None of those guys had kept Rodney from identifying as straight.
Knowing all of this didn't make it any easier to stop loving him.
There was a noise, and John tensed, turning around. It was Ronon. He was alone.
"They're running some more tests," Ronon said.
John felt his hand move to his P-90, but he forced himself to stay calm. He waited for Ronon to speak, but fortunately he didn't say anything. John tried to distract himself. He'd gotten insights into the lives of his teammates today that no amount of talking could have ever provided—not that any of them spoke very much about their past.
He'd known how much Ronon must have lost on an intellectual level, but actually feeling it as if it had happened to himself was different. But even if he understood it better now, John still couldn't do anything to ease the pain of that loss and the experiences of years as a runner. He felt helpless.
Was this how Rodney would feel? Unable to ease John's pain because he couldn't return those feelings?
Here he was back to thinking about Rodney. Of course he was. Understanding Teyla and Ronon on this new level wouldn't change their relationship much. If he let go of his fears, he could even accept that they knew how he felt. He trusted them not to let it change how they saw him.
But Rodney? Rodney still remembered the people whom he suspected of obtaining an unfair share of coffee during their first year. Rodney didn't forget, he only complained less as he had other annoyances at the forefront of his mind. He could carry a grudge over insignificant things for decades, so John couldn't even begin to imagine how he'd deal with today's revelation.
Even if Rodney tried to completely ignore it—which John hoped—he would do it so forcefully that it would be noticeable in their every interaction. John didn't see how they could ever go back to the easy friendship they'd shared.
And that more than anything made him furious at the device. Even if he'd given up hope on being romantically involved with Rodney, he'd had his friendship. It had become an important part of his life, and he didn't want to face losing it.
But that was exactly what he was doing right now.
~~
Twenty minutes later Rodney and Teyla came out of the lab. John tensed, but Rodney started talking the moment they came out.
"We ran a series of tests. The energy consumption of the device is very high. It's not a problem on this planet since the geothermal generator manages to produce the energy it needs to operate for short periods of time. Obviously the generator is tied to this location, so we'd need a different energy source if we moved the device. Combined with the fact that from all we could gather the...capabilities of the device are always reciprocal—that is you cannot see someone else's mind without also exposing your own—makes it unsuitable even for interrogation purposes."
John noted the detached and professional way in which Rodney related his findings.
Rodney went on, "Considering that the SGC has other interrogation means without these disadvantages and the highly invasive nature of the device, my recommendation would be to leave it here and flag it as not to be visited. If there ever were a situation where it would be advantageous to...mind meld for lack of a better word, the device would be available. Though I don't see that happening."
John was relieved. The last thing he wanted was Rodney insisting that they keep studying the device. But apparently, Rodney realized the, what had he called it, 'highly invasive nature of the device'. A wonderfully clinical way of expressing what had happened to them. John would make sure to emphasize that point in his report.
Since Rodney had done him the favor of pretending he hadn't learned what he did, John didn't want to tempt fate. "Let's head back," he said, not bothering to tell Rodney that he agreed with his recommendation. "I'll take point."
He began walking, trusting his team would follow behind him.
~~
Rodney managed not to think about it during the debriefing with Landry, Carter, and Woolsey. Thankfully they seemed to agree with his assessment of the device. John had been so tense that Rodney had feared he would snap, but after Landry signaled they'd take Rodney's recommended approach, John fractionally relaxed and was only tense.
Rodney avoided any reflection on the reasons for the tension. He managed not to think about it during the post-mission check in the infirmary, the different personnel and facilities providing a distraction.
The team went to lunch together in the SGC mess hall. They were silent. What was there to talk about when you literally knew everything about each other?
Rodney still managed to ignore the flood of information that his brain was dying to process, concentrating on things he'd learned about Teyla and Ronon and about John's academic education instead the obvious.
But after they were beamed back to Atlantis with Woolsey and parted ways, there was no stopping.
He went to his room and let his mind go where it wanted to go, which was one single thing.
John loved him.
Not just the way all four of them loved each other. John was in love with him. Fiercely, passionately, desperately in love.
Thinking about John's love for him made Rodney's heart grow three sizes. He'd never felt this way. He wanted to close his eyes and do nothing but recall every detail of John's feelings for him.
John's hopes and fantasies had covered so much. From mundane things like doing grocery shopping together to sex scenarios that made Rodney blush. God, so much sex. Rodney hadn't known he had so many great body parts, but he vividly remembered John's thoughts about his eyes, his shoulders, his arms, his nipples, his ass, even his hairline, which was entirely weird, but also amazing.
It wasn't mostly sex, though, in John's fantasies. Rodney had seen an imagined life together, a partnership that covered everything from fighting over who did the dishes to taking care of each other when they were sick. There'd been marriage. There'd even been vague fantasies of kids, though even John seemed to acknowledge them as something that wouldn't happen even if he were with Rodney. A fantasy in a fantasy so to speak.
And that was the hard part of knowing John's feelings. That John didn't think they could ever become true.
Rodney had spotted feelings of self-incrimination for not being able to get over Rodney. There was frustration, desperation, sometimes even self-loathing for his own weakness.
It hurt Rodney that this beautiful gift caused John so much pain. He wanted to pull John in his arms and soothe him. But he didn't know what to say to make it better. And he was sure John would prefer never to bring this up again, though Rodney wasn't sure that was possible.
He'd managed to keep it professional today, but that was in part because they were at the SGC and mostly because he'd worked hard on keeping it that way. He wouldn't be able to act like this on every mission—once they finally returned to the Pegasus Galaxy—and even if he could, he didn't want to.
He'd miss the banter with John, the easy rapport they'd had for so many years now.
No, he had to face John sooner rather than later, if only to make sure that they could still act like the friends they were.
He set out to look for John.
~~
John wasn't too surprised when Rodney joined him on the pier. Rodney only hesitated a moment before sitting down next to John, making sure not to sit particularly far or close. Or maybe John was reading too much into it.
He waited for Rodney to say something. Probably that he was sorry that he couldn't reciprocate John's feelings. Maybe that he was flattered. He might joke that John had great taste.
John tensed waiting for Rodney to break the silence. Eventually he couldn't wait anymore and said, "Just say it." It, whatever it was.
"I don't know what to say," Rodney said. He sounded almost miserable. "I want to hug you so badly."
John looked up. This was the pity he'd expected, but there was so much compassion in Rodney's face that it almost felt like a plea to John. After a moment, John set down his beer and turned to Rodney.
It was enough for Rodney to move forward and pull him into his arms. He squeezed John tightly, and even if it was pity, it felt good, and for a moment John squeezed back, allowing himself to accept Rodney's comfort.
Eventually they moved apart again.
"It's overwhelming," Rodney went on. "I don't know how to describe it. I've never felt like this. I've never felt so loved. Whatever else happens, thank you for giving me this, even if it wasn't voluntarily."
John was surprised and a little humbled by Rodney's words. This wasn't ego talking. Rodney seemed to genuinely consider it a gift. And maybe it was for him. His relationships in the past hadn't been that great from what John knew, and even though he was with Keller now and happy with her, he couldn't know how much exactly she loved him. And there were those doubts about marrying her. In that context, the absolute certainty of John's feelings had to be especially meaningful.
"You're welcome," John said. There was something else about Rodney's words. "'Whatever else happens'?" he repeated. John wasn't sure what Rodney saw happening with them.
"Well," Rodney began, looking out at the water for a moment. "You know about my doubts...about marrying Jennifer."
John did know it. It had been at the forefront of Rodney's mind. John suspected because he was about to propose to her so that decision weighed most heavily at the moment.
"And now I can't stop thinking about it," Rodney went on in frustration. He lay back down on the pier and covered his eyes. "I've thought more about gay sex in the last hours than in the last years."
Wait, that was what Rodney couldn't stop thinking about? "I'm sorry," John said awkwardly.
"You don't have to be!" Rodney said, lifting his arm to look at John. "I can't even say I don't enjoy it," he added with a flush. "That's the problem. Or maybe it's not even a problem. I just don't know! And that's the real problem. This is coming out of nowhere. Well, not nowhere, but I didn't think about us in that way. And now...I do."
John didn't know what to say. But maybe he didn't have to say anything. If Rodney meant... John began to lean forward, but Rodney went on in frustration.
"But I don't know if it's me," he said, looking straight up at the sky.
John frowned. He didn't understand what Rodney was saying. Though he seemed to be talking to himself as much as to John.
"I don't know if I'm just enjoying that you love me so much," Rodney said.
"You think you're replaying my sex fantasies of us in your head because of your ego?" John asked. He'd been flattered by someone showing interest in him in his past, but it had never caused him to return that interest if he wasn't already predisposed to do so. He couldn't imagine that it was different for Rodney. And this meant that Rodney's feelings, even if he hadn't been aware of them before now, were real. Though Rodney obviously had doubts.
Rodney sat up. "John, you've seen my history with guys if you want to call it that."
John recalled Rodney's impersonal memories of those encounters. "It was just sexual relief."
"Exactly," Rodney said. "I didn't feel anything for them. Well, my views on their engineering capabilities don't count."
One corner of John's mouth quirked up. Then he became serious. "You think it's different with me?" It had to be. The sex Rodney had had with those guys had been opportunities, often when he lacked alternatives. But now Rodney had a girlfriend—whom he was considering to marry. And yet, he still couldn't stop thinking about sex with John.
"I think that my doubts about marrying Jennifer won't matter if I can't keep my mind off your hands and mouth and...on my body," Rodney said.
If Rodney was willing to admit that much, if even the thought of Jennifer couldn't banish his fantasies, then this had to be more. Maybe the fuzzy something that he'd felt for John before the incident simply wasn't fuzzy anymore. Maybe it had always been this, but Rodney had needed a push to see the possibility. John had so often in the past dampened any and all hope he'd felt when it came to Rodney, but this time he was going to go with it. He leaned forward again.
But Rodney stopped him, lifting his hand. "I can't."
"But you'd want it," John said, though it was half a question. "Outside of your fantasy, in the real world."
"It's your fantasy," Rodney pointed out. He shook his head. "Only the Ancients would invent something so fucked up."
"Can't disagree there," John conceded. He looked at Rodney, biting his lip.
"I'm sorry," Rodney said. "I...need to know that this is real and not just a projection." He got up.
John wanted to say something, but in the end he just watched Rodney go. He wasn't sure how much had changed for them, but suddenly he felt hopeful about the future instead of anxious.
~~
Rodney was frustrated. He had all these images in his mind that came either directly from John's fantasies or were derived from the future John had imagine for them. He didn't know if he was just expanding on John's fantasies, filling them with even more detail or if this was the clarification of those vague unacknowledged feelings that he'd never thought too closely about. He wondered if those feelings had actually always been there even if he hadn't realized what they were.
Suddenly it occurred to him that he didn't have to rely on self analysis. As of this morning there were others who had had full access to his memories and feelings. He could simply ask them!
Not John, obviously, because he was biased. Although he couldn't have seen Rodney reciprocating his feelings. He wouldn't have run away in that case. Unless he'd thought he'd been projecting his own wishes.
Either way, John wasn't the right person to discuss this with. But Teyla would be willing to help him, he was sure.
Teyla didn't seem surprised to see him and let him in.
"I've, uh, had a discussion with John and I was wondering... Did you see something in my feelings for him?" Rodney asked.
"I saw a lot," Teyla said. "Could you be more specific?"
"Right," Rodney said. "I meant..."
"Something sexual?" Teyla suggested.
"I was going to say romantic, but that works too. Did you?" Rodney asked.
Teyla frowned. "I saw an immense fondness for John and...some confusion? Why do you ask?"
Rodney couldn't hide his disappointment. It would have been great if she would have confirmed that he'd always loved John but had been too blind to see it. "I was just wondering," he said non-committaly.
Teyla watched him for a long moment. Then she said, "You have seen my memories of Kanaan. There was a time when I considered him a good friend, nothing more, nothing less. Our feelings are not always readily apparent to us. Or maybe they simply change sometimes."
"I know," Rodney said. He did recall their long personal history. "But eventually you fell in love. And it was you and not..."
"Not an Ancient machine showing me the hidden feelings of my best friend?" Teyla asked.
"Yes," Rodney said.
"Do you have feelings for John now?" Teyla asked.
"That's what I'm trying to find out," Rodney said.
"Let me rephrase," she said. "If you do have feelings now, does it matter where they came from? Clarity can come from the most unexpected sources."
"So unexpected that I never considered it before?" Rodney asked doubtfully.
"If you do not consider that likely, what do you think happened?" Teyla asked. "Though I found the experience very enlightening, I do not think my feelings for any of you have changed. How would witnessing John's deepest desires...make you appear to feel the same?"
"I don't even think it's the same," Rodney said. "I don't suddenly feel like I've been in love with John forever. But I see what he feels, what he wants...and I want to be a part of that." That was what it came down to. He wanted what John wanted, but he wasn't sure why.
"You could not remain with Jennifer if you were to do that," Teyla pointed out.
"I know!" Rodney said in frustration. "This isn't even about my doubts about marrying her." Those doubts were about the future. He'd been happy with Jennifer as they were now. But suddenly his relationship with her paled in comparison to John's imagination. Everything paled in comparison to that. "It's just...John, and I want him to be happy. I just don't know if I love him."
"You don't know if you love him. You think this might just be about making John happy," Teyla summarized his reservations, then went on, "because John's happiness means more to you than anything in the world including your own happiness?"
"Oh," Rodney said. He'd never taken his line of thoughts to their conclusion.
Teyla smiled kindly.
"Thank you," he said, grateful to have her as a friend. Then he suddenly recalled one of the thoughts he'd had about her back when they'd just met. Something she must have seen during their mind meld. He flushed. "And that thing with the—"
"I know," she said firmly but with a twinkle in her eyes.
He quickly nodded and left.
~~
Rodney's mind was reeling. Teyla had convinced him that what he felt was meaningful. But the strange thing was that it still didn't feel like being in love to him.
There was happiness of being loved. There was intense affection. There was fascination about John's sex fantasies. But it was like a puzzle of pieces and not a whole that said, "I love John Sheppard."
He thought about Jennifer. The doubts about marrying her were still the same. He still felt affection for her too. He still could imagine a life with her. But when he pictured a wedding, he thought of John and knew that he couldn't do it.
He could never ask John to be his best man. Even if John would stay away, Rodney could only think about where he'd be and how he'd feel. If John would drown his sorrows, maybe have one of the meaningless one-night-stands because what he really wanted...
Rodney thought of that life again. Just like he could imagine a life with Jennifer, he could imagine a life with John. He didn't know if John—no wait, he did. He remembered a dream of a proposal and a private wedding, and he remembered how John had chided himself for being so weak to dream about something that he would never have.
It profoundly saddened Rodney that John would feel like that. Teyla was right. If he wanted to make John happy more than anything in the world, what was that if not love?
~~
John was working on his mission report. He still called it an invasion of privacy, but instead of anger and fear he felt freedom.
He no longer had to fear being found out. He didn't have to speculate if Teyla or Ronon suspected something. He knew they did. And so did Rodney.
But instead of being the end of their relationship, it might turn out to the beginning of a new chapter in it.
There was a knock on the door. Rodney came in without waiting for an answer.
"I've talked to Jennifer," he said, standing in front of John's desk. "I told her I can't marry her. I'll never be able to marry her."
John didn't say anything. He didn't want to interrupt Rodney. He wanted to be sure about Rodney's feelings and know whether he still had doubts.
"She...she guessed what happened, that the artifact showed me your feelings," Rodney said, his gaze on the desk instead of John. "Though she thought it also showed you my feelings," he added, looking at John.
"It did," John said. "But they aren't...they weren't the same."
Rodney nodded. Then he straightened and said, "They would be now."
John took in a breath.
"Well, not the same," Rodney went on. "It still doesn't feel like being in love the way I'm used to. But I want to make you happy. I want that all your fantasies come true. The sex and playing video games and growing old together. I want you to be able to propose. You love me so much, and I want to make you feel the way your love makes me feel."
John quickly got up to stand in front of Rodney. "Rodney," he said almost helplessly, overwhelmed by the emotion in Rodney's declaration.
"I love you, John," Rodney said. "And I'm beginning to think that this feels so unfamiliar because I've never loved anyone the way I love you."
John cupped his face. "I love you. And god, I'm so glad I won't have to try to say how much because you know."
Rodney snorted. "You can still show me."
"I plan to," John assured him.
"Starting now?" Rodney asked.
John nodded and kissed him.
Author:
velocitygrassPairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, Rodney McKay/Jennifer Keller established
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content notes: (skip) None of the standard warnings apply
Spoilers: through the series finale
Word count: 4800
Summary: An Ancient device causes the team to share all memories. What starts as John's biggest nightmare turns into his dreams coming true.
Note: Also available at AO3.
Mind Meld
It was nice to go out on a mission as a team again even if it wasn't quite the same in the Milky Way.
The mission had been scheduled after SG-23 came back with reports of an abandoned lab in the middle of a forest. The lab had Ancient architecture and some Ancient writing, so it was decided that John would take his team to the planet, since nobody was more familiar with Ancient labs.
Rodney bitched about not being allowed to take a puddlejumper, but it was only half-hearted and John was smiling as they made their way to the lab.
John's feelings changed when they arrived. The lab was dark, and the Ancient tech was turned off and didn't immediately project its purpose to John as some Ancient devices did, but John got a bad feeling. He was tense when Rodney started fiddling with his scanner.
Pointing the flashlight in all directions, it seemed very clear that the only purpose of the lab was to house the device at the center about which they still knew nothing. The Ancient writing didn't clarify anything. It only contained notes about the energy source.
"Geothermal," Rodney commented. "The planet has some unique properties that make it ideal to use it as an energy resource."
"How much energy?" John asked.
"Not enough to harvest," Rodney said. "But enough to install an energy intensive device here."
"What does it do?" Ronon asked.
"I don't know," Rodney said. "Once it's back online I can check for a manual or interface, or maybe we can sense what it does then. I'll have to reroute the energy to the device first. The existing connection has eroded over the years."
"How long will that take?" John asked.
"A few minutes," Rodney said. "Longer if I'm interrupted by inane questions," he added pointedly.
"Like this one?" John asked.
"Exactly," Rodney muttered, crouching down next to the lab.
John walked around the lab. The walls and columns reminded him of Atlantis, but it didn't feel right.
"It feels out of place to have a lab in the middle of a forest," Teyla said, looking around as well.
"As I said," Rodney said, not stopping his work on the device, "they probably wanted to harness the energy. It can't be anything that would have been vital for the Ancients, but it was worth doing if they could keep the cost of running it manageable."
"So a toy?" John asked.
"Who knows," Rodney muttered. John watched him fiddle with the device until Rodney finally said, "Here we go."
Lights suddenly turned on, making the whole room bright as day. The device activated itself. There were lights blinking on the consoles, but more than that John immediately felt it.
He suddenly had memories of a childhood on Athos, Sateda, and in Canada. He remembered loss of parents, the strain of leadership at a young age, and the conflicts of leaving your people behind for a greater good. He remembered thinking about nothing but survival, losing everything, being a stranger in your new home. He remembered being hated and envied for being smarter than everyone else, being ridiculed, the triumph of finding the solution that nobody else could think of. He remembered the moment a friend was no longer just a friend, a first date in a field hospital, doubts about marrying a partner. He felt the content and challenge of maintaining a successful relationship, the growing of a new attachment, and between doubts about proposing to Jennifer and very clear affection for himself, John felt something undefined.
It was hard to process the flood of memories, but he wondered if that blurry something that Rodney felt for him might be—
John's brain finally managed to put what was happening into a context, that the device must have made all of them share their memories and feelings, and even as he contemplated Rodney's feelings for him, he suddenly realized that all of them knew exactly how he felt.
John mentally screamed at the device to turn off, off, off, and sparks flew before the complete lab turned dark in an instant.
He was alone again in his mind. Rodney had fallen to the ground during the rather violent deactivation of the device. John managed to concentrate enough to make the lights come back on without activating the device.
Teyla was crouching down next to Rodney.
"Is he fine?" John asked.
"Yes," Rodney hissed.
John was relieved for all of a second before his mind went back to the device and what it did. His hand twitched on the P-90, and for a moment he imagined the satisfaction of unloading a whole clip into the device. But it wouldn't change that all of them had seen everything he was and how he'd come to be that way.
John felt sick. Teyla helped Rodney get up, and before even contemplating how he could ever face Rodney again, John turned and left the lab.
~~
It was warm and sunny outside. The leaves of the trees moved softly in a light breeze. It was peaceful, but his surroundings did nothing to ease the turmoil in John's mind.
He felt naked, no worse. He felt ripped at the seams, split open, for everyone to see his innards in all their messy details.
Every doubt, every weakness had been on display for them. John liked to believe that Teyla and Ronon would understand the difficulties leadership brought with it. He'd seen it in their own memories. But then there were his other feelings.
Rodney had seen every hope and fantasy that John had ever had about him. John had always been apprehensive that Rodney might find out some day, but it had mostly been the fear that Rodney would guess his feelings if John wasn't careful enough. He would have always had plausible deniability. Even if Rodney would have been convinced of John's feelings, he wouldn't have literally felt every nuance, the way John fought against these feelings and always lost, the desperate longing for what he couldn't have.
John didn't know how they'd continue to work together. How would Rodney be able to look at him and not think of the dirty fantasies John couldn't always deny himself? How would Rodney react at all? John had seen the doubts he had about marrying Keller, and he couldn't deny a certain amount of satisfaction about that. But he'd also seen that Rodney didn't harbor any sexual feelings for him. There'd been affection, yes, and there'd been that blurry something that John didn't know how to interpret. But it was certainly not even remotely what Rodney (and the others) had seen in his own mind. Rodney wasn't in love with him or even attracted to him.
There'd been sex with men, John recalled. Rodney had experimented at university and had an arrangement in Antarctica, but none of that had been serious. None of those guys had kept Rodney from identifying as straight.
Knowing all of this didn't make it any easier to stop loving him.
There was a noise, and John tensed, turning around. It was Ronon. He was alone.
"They're running some more tests," Ronon said.
John felt his hand move to his P-90, but he forced himself to stay calm. He waited for Ronon to speak, but fortunately he didn't say anything. John tried to distract himself. He'd gotten insights into the lives of his teammates today that no amount of talking could have ever provided—not that any of them spoke very much about their past.
He'd known how much Ronon must have lost on an intellectual level, but actually feeling it as if it had happened to himself was different. But even if he understood it better now, John still couldn't do anything to ease the pain of that loss and the experiences of years as a runner. He felt helpless.
Was this how Rodney would feel? Unable to ease John's pain because he couldn't return those feelings?
Here he was back to thinking about Rodney. Of course he was. Understanding Teyla and Ronon on this new level wouldn't change their relationship much. If he let go of his fears, he could even accept that they knew how he felt. He trusted them not to let it change how they saw him.
But Rodney? Rodney still remembered the people whom he suspected of obtaining an unfair share of coffee during their first year. Rodney didn't forget, he only complained less as he had other annoyances at the forefront of his mind. He could carry a grudge over insignificant things for decades, so John couldn't even begin to imagine how he'd deal with today's revelation.
Even if Rodney tried to completely ignore it—which John hoped—he would do it so forcefully that it would be noticeable in their every interaction. John didn't see how they could ever go back to the easy friendship they'd shared.
And that more than anything made him furious at the device. Even if he'd given up hope on being romantically involved with Rodney, he'd had his friendship. It had become an important part of his life, and he didn't want to face losing it.
But that was exactly what he was doing right now.
~~
Twenty minutes later Rodney and Teyla came out of the lab. John tensed, but Rodney started talking the moment they came out.
"We ran a series of tests. The energy consumption of the device is very high. It's not a problem on this planet since the geothermal generator manages to produce the energy it needs to operate for short periods of time. Obviously the generator is tied to this location, so we'd need a different energy source if we moved the device. Combined with the fact that from all we could gather the...capabilities of the device are always reciprocal—that is you cannot see someone else's mind without also exposing your own—makes it unsuitable even for interrogation purposes."
John noted the detached and professional way in which Rodney related his findings.
Rodney went on, "Considering that the SGC has other interrogation means without these disadvantages and the highly invasive nature of the device, my recommendation would be to leave it here and flag it as not to be visited. If there ever were a situation where it would be advantageous to...mind meld for lack of a better word, the device would be available. Though I don't see that happening."
John was relieved. The last thing he wanted was Rodney insisting that they keep studying the device. But apparently, Rodney realized the, what had he called it, 'highly invasive nature of the device'. A wonderfully clinical way of expressing what had happened to them. John would make sure to emphasize that point in his report.
Since Rodney had done him the favor of pretending he hadn't learned what he did, John didn't want to tempt fate. "Let's head back," he said, not bothering to tell Rodney that he agreed with his recommendation. "I'll take point."
He began walking, trusting his team would follow behind him.
~~
Rodney managed not to think about it during the debriefing with Landry, Carter, and Woolsey. Thankfully they seemed to agree with his assessment of the device. John had been so tense that Rodney had feared he would snap, but after Landry signaled they'd take Rodney's recommended approach, John fractionally relaxed and was only tense.
Rodney avoided any reflection on the reasons for the tension. He managed not to think about it during the post-mission check in the infirmary, the different personnel and facilities providing a distraction.
The team went to lunch together in the SGC mess hall. They were silent. What was there to talk about when you literally knew everything about each other?
Rodney still managed to ignore the flood of information that his brain was dying to process, concentrating on things he'd learned about Teyla and Ronon and about John's academic education instead the obvious.
But after they were beamed back to Atlantis with Woolsey and parted ways, there was no stopping.
He went to his room and let his mind go where it wanted to go, which was one single thing.
John loved him.
Not just the way all four of them loved each other. John was in love with him. Fiercely, passionately, desperately in love.
Thinking about John's love for him made Rodney's heart grow three sizes. He'd never felt this way. He wanted to close his eyes and do nothing but recall every detail of John's feelings for him.
John's hopes and fantasies had covered so much. From mundane things like doing grocery shopping together to sex scenarios that made Rodney blush. God, so much sex. Rodney hadn't known he had so many great body parts, but he vividly remembered John's thoughts about his eyes, his shoulders, his arms, his nipples, his ass, even his hairline, which was entirely weird, but also amazing.
It wasn't mostly sex, though, in John's fantasies. Rodney had seen an imagined life together, a partnership that covered everything from fighting over who did the dishes to taking care of each other when they were sick. There'd been marriage. There'd even been vague fantasies of kids, though even John seemed to acknowledge them as something that wouldn't happen even if he were with Rodney. A fantasy in a fantasy so to speak.
And that was the hard part of knowing John's feelings. That John didn't think they could ever become true.
Rodney had spotted feelings of self-incrimination for not being able to get over Rodney. There was frustration, desperation, sometimes even self-loathing for his own weakness.
It hurt Rodney that this beautiful gift caused John so much pain. He wanted to pull John in his arms and soothe him. But he didn't know what to say to make it better. And he was sure John would prefer never to bring this up again, though Rodney wasn't sure that was possible.
He'd managed to keep it professional today, but that was in part because they were at the SGC and mostly because he'd worked hard on keeping it that way. He wouldn't be able to act like this on every mission—once they finally returned to the Pegasus Galaxy—and even if he could, he didn't want to.
He'd miss the banter with John, the easy rapport they'd had for so many years now.
No, he had to face John sooner rather than later, if only to make sure that they could still act like the friends they were.
He set out to look for John.
~~
John wasn't too surprised when Rodney joined him on the pier. Rodney only hesitated a moment before sitting down next to John, making sure not to sit particularly far or close. Or maybe John was reading too much into it.
He waited for Rodney to say something. Probably that he was sorry that he couldn't reciprocate John's feelings. Maybe that he was flattered. He might joke that John had great taste.
John tensed waiting for Rodney to break the silence. Eventually he couldn't wait anymore and said, "Just say it." It, whatever it was.
"I don't know what to say," Rodney said. He sounded almost miserable. "I want to hug you so badly."
John looked up. This was the pity he'd expected, but there was so much compassion in Rodney's face that it almost felt like a plea to John. After a moment, John set down his beer and turned to Rodney.
It was enough for Rodney to move forward and pull him into his arms. He squeezed John tightly, and even if it was pity, it felt good, and for a moment John squeezed back, allowing himself to accept Rodney's comfort.
Eventually they moved apart again.
"It's overwhelming," Rodney went on. "I don't know how to describe it. I've never felt like this. I've never felt so loved. Whatever else happens, thank you for giving me this, even if it wasn't voluntarily."
John was surprised and a little humbled by Rodney's words. This wasn't ego talking. Rodney seemed to genuinely consider it a gift. And maybe it was for him. His relationships in the past hadn't been that great from what John knew, and even though he was with Keller now and happy with her, he couldn't know how much exactly she loved him. And there were those doubts about marrying her. In that context, the absolute certainty of John's feelings had to be especially meaningful.
"You're welcome," John said. There was something else about Rodney's words. "'Whatever else happens'?" he repeated. John wasn't sure what Rodney saw happening with them.
"Well," Rodney began, looking out at the water for a moment. "You know about my doubts...about marrying Jennifer."
John did know it. It had been at the forefront of Rodney's mind. John suspected because he was about to propose to her so that decision weighed most heavily at the moment.
"And now I can't stop thinking about it," Rodney went on in frustration. He lay back down on the pier and covered his eyes. "I've thought more about gay sex in the last hours than in the last years."
Wait, that was what Rodney couldn't stop thinking about? "I'm sorry," John said awkwardly.
"You don't have to be!" Rodney said, lifting his arm to look at John. "I can't even say I don't enjoy it," he added with a flush. "That's the problem. Or maybe it's not even a problem. I just don't know! And that's the real problem. This is coming out of nowhere. Well, not nowhere, but I didn't think about us in that way. And now...I do."
John didn't know what to say. But maybe he didn't have to say anything. If Rodney meant... John began to lean forward, but Rodney went on in frustration.
"But I don't know if it's me," he said, looking straight up at the sky.
John frowned. He didn't understand what Rodney was saying. Though he seemed to be talking to himself as much as to John.
"I don't know if I'm just enjoying that you love me so much," Rodney said.
"You think you're replaying my sex fantasies of us in your head because of your ego?" John asked. He'd been flattered by someone showing interest in him in his past, but it had never caused him to return that interest if he wasn't already predisposed to do so. He couldn't imagine that it was different for Rodney. And this meant that Rodney's feelings, even if he hadn't been aware of them before now, were real. Though Rodney obviously had doubts.
Rodney sat up. "John, you've seen my history with guys if you want to call it that."
John recalled Rodney's impersonal memories of those encounters. "It was just sexual relief."
"Exactly," Rodney said. "I didn't feel anything for them. Well, my views on their engineering capabilities don't count."
One corner of John's mouth quirked up. Then he became serious. "You think it's different with me?" It had to be. The sex Rodney had had with those guys had been opportunities, often when he lacked alternatives. But now Rodney had a girlfriend—whom he was considering to marry. And yet, he still couldn't stop thinking about sex with John.
"I think that my doubts about marrying Jennifer won't matter if I can't keep my mind off your hands and mouth and...on my body," Rodney said.
If Rodney was willing to admit that much, if even the thought of Jennifer couldn't banish his fantasies, then this had to be more. Maybe the fuzzy something that he'd felt for John before the incident simply wasn't fuzzy anymore. Maybe it had always been this, but Rodney had needed a push to see the possibility. John had so often in the past dampened any and all hope he'd felt when it came to Rodney, but this time he was going to go with it. He leaned forward again.
But Rodney stopped him, lifting his hand. "I can't."
"But you'd want it," John said, though it was half a question. "Outside of your fantasy, in the real world."
"It's your fantasy," Rodney pointed out. He shook his head. "Only the Ancients would invent something so fucked up."
"Can't disagree there," John conceded. He looked at Rodney, biting his lip.
"I'm sorry," Rodney said. "I...need to know that this is real and not just a projection." He got up.
John wanted to say something, but in the end he just watched Rodney go. He wasn't sure how much had changed for them, but suddenly he felt hopeful about the future instead of anxious.
~~
Rodney was frustrated. He had all these images in his mind that came either directly from John's fantasies or were derived from the future John had imagine for them. He didn't know if he was just expanding on John's fantasies, filling them with even more detail or if this was the clarification of those vague unacknowledged feelings that he'd never thought too closely about. He wondered if those feelings had actually always been there even if he hadn't realized what they were.
Suddenly it occurred to him that he didn't have to rely on self analysis. As of this morning there were others who had had full access to his memories and feelings. He could simply ask them!
Not John, obviously, because he was biased. Although he couldn't have seen Rodney reciprocating his feelings. He wouldn't have run away in that case. Unless he'd thought he'd been projecting his own wishes.
Either way, John wasn't the right person to discuss this with. But Teyla would be willing to help him, he was sure.
Teyla didn't seem surprised to see him and let him in.
"I've, uh, had a discussion with John and I was wondering... Did you see something in my feelings for him?" Rodney asked.
"I saw a lot," Teyla said. "Could you be more specific?"
"Right," Rodney said. "I meant..."
"Something sexual?" Teyla suggested.
"I was going to say romantic, but that works too. Did you?" Rodney asked.
Teyla frowned. "I saw an immense fondness for John and...some confusion? Why do you ask?"
Rodney couldn't hide his disappointment. It would have been great if she would have confirmed that he'd always loved John but had been too blind to see it. "I was just wondering," he said non-committaly.
Teyla watched him for a long moment. Then she said, "You have seen my memories of Kanaan. There was a time when I considered him a good friend, nothing more, nothing less. Our feelings are not always readily apparent to us. Or maybe they simply change sometimes."
"I know," Rodney said. He did recall their long personal history. "But eventually you fell in love. And it was you and not..."
"Not an Ancient machine showing me the hidden feelings of my best friend?" Teyla asked.
"Yes," Rodney said.
"Do you have feelings for John now?" Teyla asked.
"That's what I'm trying to find out," Rodney said.
"Let me rephrase," she said. "If you do have feelings now, does it matter where they came from? Clarity can come from the most unexpected sources."
"So unexpected that I never considered it before?" Rodney asked doubtfully.
"If you do not consider that likely, what do you think happened?" Teyla asked. "Though I found the experience very enlightening, I do not think my feelings for any of you have changed. How would witnessing John's deepest desires...make you appear to feel the same?"
"I don't even think it's the same," Rodney said. "I don't suddenly feel like I've been in love with John forever. But I see what he feels, what he wants...and I want to be a part of that." That was what it came down to. He wanted what John wanted, but he wasn't sure why.
"You could not remain with Jennifer if you were to do that," Teyla pointed out.
"I know!" Rodney said in frustration. "This isn't even about my doubts about marrying her." Those doubts were about the future. He'd been happy with Jennifer as they were now. But suddenly his relationship with her paled in comparison to John's imagination. Everything paled in comparison to that. "It's just...John, and I want him to be happy. I just don't know if I love him."
"You don't know if you love him. You think this might just be about making John happy," Teyla summarized his reservations, then went on, "because John's happiness means more to you than anything in the world including your own happiness?"
"Oh," Rodney said. He'd never taken his line of thoughts to their conclusion.
Teyla smiled kindly.
"Thank you," he said, grateful to have her as a friend. Then he suddenly recalled one of the thoughts he'd had about her back when they'd just met. Something she must have seen during their mind meld. He flushed. "And that thing with the—"
"I know," she said firmly but with a twinkle in her eyes.
He quickly nodded and left.
~~
Rodney's mind was reeling. Teyla had convinced him that what he felt was meaningful. But the strange thing was that it still didn't feel like being in love to him.
There was happiness of being loved. There was intense affection. There was fascination about John's sex fantasies. But it was like a puzzle of pieces and not a whole that said, "I love John Sheppard."
He thought about Jennifer. The doubts about marrying her were still the same. He still felt affection for her too. He still could imagine a life with her. But when he pictured a wedding, he thought of John and knew that he couldn't do it.
He could never ask John to be his best man. Even if John would stay away, Rodney could only think about where he'd be and how he'd feel. If John would drown his sorrows, maybe have one of the meaningless one-night-stands because what he really wanted...
Rodney thought of that life again. Just like he could imagine a life with Jennifer, he could imagine a life with John. He didn't know if John—no wait, he did. He remembered a dream of a proposal and a private wedding, and he remembered how John had chided himself for being so weak to dream about something that he would never have.
It profoundly saddened Rodney that John would feel like that. Teyla was right. If he wanted to make John happy more than anything in the world, what was that if not love?
~~
John was working on his mission report. He still called it an invasion of privacy, but instead of anger and fear he felt freedom.
He no longer had to fear being found out. He didn't have to speculate if Teyla or Ronon suspected something. He knew they did. And so did Rodney.
But instead of being the end of their relationship, it might turn out to the beginning of a new chapter in it.
There was a knock on the door. Rodney came in without waiting for an answer.
"I've talked to Jennifer," he said, standing in front of John's desk. "I told her I can't marry her. I'll never be able to marry her."
John didn't say anything. He didn't want to interrupt Rodney. He wanted to be sure about Rodney's feelings and know whether he still had doubts.
"She...she guessed what happened, that the artifact showed me your feelings," Rodney said, his gaze on the desk instead of John. "Though she thought it also showed you my feelings," he added, looking at John.
"It did," John said. "But they aren't...they weren't the same."
Rodney nodded. Then he straightened and said, "They would be now."
John took in a breath.
"Well, not the same," Rodney went on. "It still doesn't feel like being in love the way I'm used to. But I want to make you happy. I want that all your fantasies come true. The sex and playing video games and growing old together. I want you to be able to propose. You love me so much, and I want to make you feel the way your love makes me feel."
John quickly got up to stand in front of Rodney. "Rodney," he said almost helplessly, overwhelmed by the emotion in Rodney's declaration.
"I love you, John," Rodney said. "And I'm beginning to think that this feels so unfamiliar because I've never loved anyone the way I love you."
John cupped his face. "I love you. And god, I'm so glad I won't have to try to say how much because you know."
Rodney snorted. "You can still show me."
"I plan to," John assured him.
"Starting now?" Rodney asked.
John nodded and kissed him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-05 01:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-05 10:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-05 06:41 am (UTC)Can I beg you for a sequel of them making John's wishes come true? Not just the sex but .. maybe the proposal or the growing old together?
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-05 10:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-06 07:35 am (UTC)(I also think they sound like some great hooks for a sequel!)
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-08 03:04 pm (UTC)I tackled them awkwardly here (http://archiveofourown.org/works/3312992).
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-08 03:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-05 09:06 am (UTC)Can I beg you for a sequel of them making John's wishes come true? Not just the sex but .. maybe the proposal or the growing old together?
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-06 09:21 pm (UTC)It's fascinating to see how Rodney processes the new info about John that the Ancient device gives him, then the personal doubts & insights that result. Yay for Teyla finding a way to word her advice that actually clarifies things for Rodney, & for John having the grit & stubborn hope to hang on & endure the uncertainty, & for Rodney being an honorable guy with Jennifer when he sorts out his feelings, & to Ronon for his silent, accepting support. I wish we could learn more about memories they 'see', other than John's, but those are other fics for another day....
Thanks for writing & sharing this with us! <3
:: wanders off in search of a bale of kleenex for snotty pony-nose ::
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-08 03:11 pm (UTC)Ronon and Teyla know John and Rodney quite well but at the same time can take a step back and take a more grounded view at them (I think John and Rodney are not at all neutral looking at each other). Teyla could see to the heart of the issue here, like Ronon can clear things up in the sequel (even if John kind of ignores him in the end because some things are there on an emotional level and no amount of rational arguing will make that feeling/wish go away).
Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-11 02:00 am (UTC)But this:
But Rodney? Rodney still remembered the people whom he suspected of obtaining an unfair share of coffee during their first year.
Made me giggle!
(no subject)
Date: 2015-03-05 07:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-02-15 10:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-03-05 07:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-03-06 12:13 pm (UTC)